Filling the Void

Many areas in our life seem, what’s the word… empty. We look for everything in our path to fill the void of what we have lost, never had, or that was taken from us. Rather it is a person, thing, or substance. No matter if it is good for us or not.

I have battled infertility in my past. (I’m healed and my reproductive system is as it was at first, in Jesus name!) I never got pregnant, rather I was trying or not. I never thought anything about it, until I wanted to get pregnant. I started trying, but it wasn’t happening. I was having some female issues, so I went to see my GYN mid 2011.

I was diagnosed with Endometriosis. That July I underwent a procedure to get it burned off. During the procedure they had to flush my tubes. It worked. I got pregnant… and didn’t know it. I had an Ectopic pregnancy in October 2012 at 5.5 weeks. Seven months later, in May 2013, a miscarriage, the day before Mother’s Day. I didn’t know what was worse, not being able to get pregnant or getting pregnant and not being able to have my baby.

We start filling the void without even realizing it.

In between the losses I got Kirra as a gift from my mom. Kirra was a Blue Pitt that they were selling in Wal-Mart parking lot. I had always wanted one and she felt this was the perfect time. Kirra became my child, literally like my child. She filled the void of the losses. She gave me purpose and allowed me to take on the motherly role that I had always wanted. She was my comforter, companion, side kick, and complete focus.

I lived my whole life completely around Kirra for almost 7 years. She came first, before anything. Her well-being was my main concern. She had when I didn’t. She always had the best of care and wanted for nothing. Spoiled, some say. If she couldn’t go, neither could I. If she wasn’t welcome, neither was I.

I would go home on lunch breaks to take her potty and rush home after work to make sure she was ok. I’d spend all evening with her because I felt bad for leaving her alone all day. All my spare time went to her. The thought of leaving her alone killed me.

She became my life and literally my only life’s purpose. I was to care for her and make sure she survived. I couldn’t lose her, too.

Sometimes the filler can make the void bigger.

October 1, 2018 I lost my battle of striving to be the best mom ever and she lost her battle to Lymphoma.

I know this may sound dumb, harsh, or incomparable to most, but I loved her so hard and deep that she became my child. I nourished and cared for her as my child and not a pet. Yes, pets are family members, but this went way deeper.

The pain from her loss seemed worse than from my babies. She didn’t take there place, but she filled the void. She was there, in my presence. I could touch her, hold her, cuddle her, bathe her, talk to her, interact with her, and physically love her.

And then she, too was gone

When we are forced to deal with the reality of the void.

I was angry, sad, heartbroken, confused, lost, and depressed. I felt guilty, like it was my fault.

I lost the last thing that gave me meaning and purpose. What was I going to do now? What was going to fill the void of Kirra? How was I going to go on with life? How could I?

I questioned myself, I questioned God. Did I not pray enough? Did I not have enough faith for her healing? Was I not as good of a Christian as others who prayed for their loved ones to live and they lived? What did I do wrong? What did I do, what didn’t I do? I beat myself up. The enemy was feeding me so many lies and I was believing them all (John 8:44).

It took about 3 months before I let God fully come in and start the healing process… and there is still some to be done.

God uses everything for our good, His glory – Everything!

In the process, God started revealing things to me. Showing me things that I was blinded to.

He showed me how I had made Kirra the idol of my heart. How I had put up a wall for no one else to come in and she was the protector of it, not Him. How I put all my heart, time, trust, funds, and expectation in her. How she became the center and source of my joy, peace, happiness, and love. She was my safe place and comforter. She consumed me. (Jonah 2:8)

He showed me how I let what He wanted to use as a means become my source. How I looked to Kirra for all that He is. How I was so focused on her that I barely focused on Him. How she was in control of my life.

GOD DID NOT TAKE KIRRA FROM ME, NOR DID HE TAKE MY BABIES!

God DID, however use it ALL for my good and His glory (Romans 8:28)!

Had Kirra not passed, I’d more than likely still be living a life consumed with her and not of the Lord. I probably would not have started Bible College or serving in ministry because I hated leaving her for any amount of time. I wouldn’t be in the Word or writing as regular because I spent all my waken time with her. I wouldn’t have been able to start walking in my GOD given purpose because I would still be living out my purpose of mothering her. I wouldn’t have overcame and healed and be walking in freedom in many areas because I’d still have my walls up.

The filler is still part of your story.

Do I still miss her and love her, yes, absolutely! Do I still think of her and talk to her, yes! Do I still wish to have her back, yes! Do I still consider her my baby, yes! Will she forever be a part of my life, yes!!!

Kirra is forever in my heart. Forever a part of my story and testimony. Forever the most loving and beautiful dog, child, and best friend, EVER!

BUT GOD is the Author and Finisher of it.

God is now the idol of my heart. My Comforter, Protector, Defender, Joy, Peace, Happiness, Companion, Contentment, Filler, and Best Friend! My trust, faith, hope, and expectation. He is my True Love!

He is now all that He has always been and wanted to be for me. He was just waiting on me. Patiently waiting. Chasing and pursuing me. He was letting me try to figure it out on my own. Letting me come to the realization that everything I have lacked, wanted, and needed was and has and will always be HIM!

I know He didn’t take my baby girl, Kirra, from me. But I do know that He used the pain, heartache, and everything else that came along with her loss for my good and His glory!

Without her death, I wouldn’t be living, truly living in and for God right now!

And for this I am grateful and thankful for my Heavenly Father and His goodness and faithfulness in my life. For being all that I need. For being the gentleman that He is and not forcing Himself on me, but gently pulling me closer to Him.

I am forever thankful for the love, time, bond, and life that I had with Kirra. For what she taught me and how she loved me. How she let me love her!

Kirra has been gone from me for 2 years, today. But her story, love, and legacy will live on forever!

Kirra, today I celebrate your life and what you meant to me and so many others! I love you!

Can you relate? Share your story with me here!

Be Blessed!